Thursday, August 10, 2017

Really Dumb Trigger

*cursing ahead*

I know my feelings in this moment are dumb. I'm actually a bit angry at myself for feeling them at all. It's illogical and irrational to feel this dark and down, this depressed, this Dementor attacked, over a lollipop.

But I do.

There was one "new flavor" in the whole bag of Tootsie Pops. Watermelon. And I was saving it as my reward lollipop. I was really looking forward to trying it. But more than that, seeing it in the bag was motivating me. Letting me focus on something other than the fact that it's too hot to breathe, I'm left out of dozens of family functions, my dad (father-in-law) just died, and my friend lost her a baby a month ago and keeps writing posts that bring up all my feelings from 17 damn years ago. And now I'm literally sitting here crying over a mother fucking lollipop and seriously want to punch myself in the face.

And I don't even know how to explain it. Yes, I could go to Wegman's or some other bulk candy place and maybe get one. But I don't WANT another...

I sound like such a fucking tool. Like a bratty child.

There's really so little going on in my life that I'm having a fucking breakdown over a stupid fucking lollipop.

The worst part?

The VERY worst part?

AGAIN.

Yeah. This isn't the first time this has happened. There is a reason I haven't bought Blowpops in years. And dumdums in so long that it's absurd.

I really need to stop putting so much mental and emotional weight onto fucking lollipops. This is so first world problem it's sickening.

Over a damn lollipop.

I've lost all my drive and desire for today. Like someone cut the path to passion in my brain.

It'll be fine. I'll get over it. Won't bring it up again. Won't even mention to John how sad I am that,  in a bag with 2 grape, 2 chocolate, 5 raspberry, and 5 cherry left ... he managed to snag the ONE watermelon,  and that I asked him if he grabbed a blowpop specifically so I could say, "just don't take that one," but he said,  "I was just standing here," and...

I'm tired. I'm too tired.

Why was that stupid candy so easy to fixate on?

I wish I never bought this bag.