Self Examination and Self Hate

Maybe there are things I don't know about myself. 

It's brought to my attention today that I might be a racist. 

Didn't know that. I thought I was opposed to racism. That I had been fighting it. But maybe not. 

I learned 5 years ago that a president can be racist. 

But what about people that don't seem racist? 

I've been laughing at Jeff Dunham since the 90s. Maybe Jose Jalapeno is racist? 🌶 I didn't think a vegetable could be. Maybe it is. Walter probably is an ageist. Peanut maybe mocks anything imaginary? Maybe all the puppets are racists. And the guy holding them? And maybe the audience is too? So maybe I've been a racist since the same age I started fighting racism? 

Maybe I've just been failing for the last 30 years. 

Maybe I'm wrong about myself. And actually know nothing about myself. And intentions don't matter. Fail, fail, fail. 

https://www.sanluisobispo.com/living/family/linda-lewis-griffith/article233084607.html

"the idea that one’s own race is superior and has the right to dominate others”

 “hatred or intolerance of another race or other races" 

Neither of those things describe me. Not the me that I want to be. Not the thoughts in my head. 

🤔 Am I laughing at Jeff Dunham's puppets for those reasons? I don't think so. But maybe I don't know.

Did you ever act overly friendly to a person of another race to make sure you didn’t seem biased?

I don't think so. Though nano has been asking me to find more diverse members. But I feel like it's weird to do *more* to find people of other races. But I don't think our current efforts are aimed specifically at any one group. 

Nope, the point of this is that I don't know myself.

Am I overly friendly when thinking about puppets? Not that I know of.

Do you have uncomfortable thoughts about a person’s race, even if you don’t verbalize them?

I don't think so. Granted, I don't have the opportunity to spend as much time with people of other races, creeds, colors, or religions anymore. Somewhat on social media. 

Is that related to the puppets? I don't think so. But I guess I don't know.

Did you ever ask someone for advice about dating a person from their race?

No. Never asked a puppet, either. And I have dated people of other races.

Did you ever make snap judgments about a person’s preferences based solely on their race or ethnicity?

Okay, guess you got me there. When it comes to certain foods, I do tend to think a person of the area the dish originated would know more about it than someone else. 

I can't blame the puppets for that.

I don't think that everyone knows how to cook dishes from the area they were raised. Not everyone cooks. 

Foodie racist. I cannot deny this.

Did you ever ask someone questions about their race, as if they were a spokesperson for all other members?

I don't think so. 

Though that does sort of go with my definition of what a sensitivity reader does. So maybe I don't know this either. 

I don't think Dunham's puppets are spokespeople for races. 

Am I meant to think that? 

Have you noticed someone’s race and behaved differently in some way because of it?

I don't think so. 

My actual cat use to do this. It bugged me. He thought my Chinese friend, Gina, was there to do his nails. And then other Eastern Asian friends came over, had the same experience. It bothered me that my cat did this. And no, he never saw me get my nails done. But sure enough, he would bring his trimmers over. 

This is not about me. And is not helping me learn, grow, or improve.

I don't think this applies to the puppets because the jokes don't change on the International tours. If they did, that would make me more suspicious. So this isn't helping.

HOW CAN I OVERCOME MY RACISM?

Pay attention to thoughts and reactions. 

Well, that is why I'm trying to improve by making this post. 

The reaction to using a Dunham joke to threaten my self-critical voices was being suspended by Twitter and having two people suggest that I'm behaving like a racist. 

I don't know what race (or creed, color, religion, or whatever) it is that I'm racist against. I firmly believe the terrorists are extremists who do not represent the whole of their religion or the people of the Middle East, who I believe are extremely diverse. 

I do enjoy mocking those who spread hate.

But now that is me.

What if terrorists don't know they're racists? 

🤔

I don't know that I have any interest in concerning  myself with the thoughts or intentions of terrorists. Leaving that to judges. 

Guess I am a racist. 

I don't know.

Educate myself

So I guess I have to learn more about the puppets? I don't know that I care that much. I've watched all his specials. If another comes on Netflix I'll probably watch. And laugh.

So maybe I  am a bad person.

Engage in dialogue with people of different backgrounds

I have no intention of going around to random people "hi, can we discuss Jeff Dunham?" 

Yeah. I might be racist for preferring to discuss something more interesting. 

Know that I’m not an expert on racism. If something I’ve done or said is construed as racist, I can ask for clarification. An honest “Help me understand why that is insensitive"

Thus the blog post. Comments. People can tell me Im a shitty person for laughing at a comedian. 

Wow. This means there are more racists than I thought. 

Jeff Dunham is set to tour with Gabriel  Fluffy Iglesias. I thought Fluffy was fighting racism too. 😔

Well, shit. 

Okay, I hate myself more now. 

The world is a dark and horrible place. 

One thing I know is that if someone says you are racist, you are. Hands down. 

So I am something I hate and long to destroy. 😒 Perfect.

The inner voices are right.