#AtoZChallenge Family Guy

Family Guy _ 1999–

Stewie is planning a new machine to take over the world. But he needs an item that's watched constantly, and thus impossible to steal. "Damn!" 

"Yeah, unless you can distract everyone, that's never going to happen," Brian says as he leaves.

Stewie does an online search of how to distract everyone. Various political leaders have posts about using celebrities. He clicks on a link (to an actual site) that mentions the roles certain (actual) celebrities have had doing such a task. 

"Well, while I'm jacking Quagmire's wifi, may as well check his browser history. Oh god, OH GOD..." Stewie vomits. He looks at the screen again. "Hmm, this might be useful." He clicks. "Wrong link! Oh god, oh... that doesn't go there..." he vomits again.

Donna's best friend comes to town and reveals that she has cancer and has shaved her head because the chemo is making her hair fall out. 

That night, Stewie sneaks into Cleveland's house and whispers in Cleveland's and Donna's ears while they sleep.

The next morning, in solidarity with her friend, Donna shaves her head. Cleveland comes home and freaks out, misreading the situation. Quagmire cracks a joke about Donna's new 'do looking good, giggity. Cleveland has a flashback to his first wife.

"No, no, no, not again!" Cleveland runs across the street and slaps Quagmire. 
Bruce, who was outside chatting with Lois, Bonnie, and Joe, says, "Oh no! That wasn't right. Violence never solves anything."
Lois cheers, "Yeah! Stand up for your wife!" Then, under her breath, mutters, "When did Cleveland get so hot?"

Bonnie glares across the street as she says to Lois, "He only did it because she made him. Donna treats Cleveland like a puppet."

Meanwhile, Joe has rolled over to the guys.

"Keep my wife out of your mouth, you sick pervert!" Cleveland yells.

"What's, uhh, going on here? As a cop, I'm supposed to do something if there's an assault." Joe says.

"I was just complimenting his wife! Can't a guy give a compliment?" Quagmire asks.

"I don't know. When was the last time you complimented me?" Joe asks.

"What?" Quagmire nervously looks at Joe.

"Well, I got these new shoes and you didn't say anything. I cut my hair, you didn't notice. I even bedazzled my urine bag." Joe lifts his pant leg. "But do you tell me I'm looking good? No. Cleveland, smack him again."

"What?" Quagmire looks up just as Cleveland smacks him again.

"Oh cool, what's going on guys?" Peter drives up with Brian.

"This syphilis carrying jerk was remarking on my wife!" Cleveland yells. "So I smacked him. I smacked him good. Real good."

"That's what that sound was?" Brian asks. "I thought Peter hit a turtle."

"You smacked him? Not punched. Smacked?" Peter asks.

"Yeah, why?" Cleveland replies.

"That means you've challenged him to a duel."

"Oh no. Not more violence. You all, I'm gonna go home. This street is crazy," Bruce says as he speeds off on a scooter. 

Meg watches social media where everyone is talking about the slap. Stewie overhears this and plans to steal something he needs for a world domination machine. No one will even notice it's gone because they're all focused on the slap and pending duel.

Chris streams the duel on his social media feed. Quagmire keeps saying he doesn't want to do this. Peter tells him that if he doesn't, he isn't a man. 

"Big words from a guy whose wife is about to go black." Quagmire says, motioning toward Lois. 

Lois is buttering Cleveland up with a stick of actual butter. She's muttering things like, "Oh yeah, that's how mama likes it."

Donna's best friend appears, getting between Quagmire and Cleveland.

"Why did Donna get a compliment for shaving her head but I didn't?"

Quagmire rubs the back of his neck. "I'm not gonna remark on that. You have, you know... don't make me say it."

"Cancer? It's not a bad word. It isn't my fault. I'm not ashamed of it. I'm fighting to survive, that's something to be proud about." Donna's friend says.

"Yeah. But I wouldn't joke about the side effects of a serious medical condition," Quagmire says.

"But would you take someone with cancer to dinner and then back to your place?"

"Giggity, you bet!"

The two walk off. Everyone, disappointed, goes home. 

"I'm Tom Tucker with the evening news. Tonight's top story was supposed to be the resolution of the slap heard across Quahog, but it was called off when one guy pussed out to go get... " A hand passes Tom a note. "ALL RIGHT... so our top story is a baby was caught trying to steal a (big deal item)."

Peter laughs. "Can you imagine that? A baby stealing."

Lois laughs too. "That's hilarious. Hey, where's Stewie?"