1000 words on the dot! Full critique accepted.
Sally's Urban Nightmare
The loud crashing sound seemed to shake the apartment. Two more crashes followed a second later, along with crying.
Sally rushed to her daughter’s bedroom. When the door wouldn’t open, she kicked it in. "What was that?"
Rose screamed in agony between sobs.
"Hush. I have to call for help."
This would be it. One too many trips to the doctor. This time with twisted, bloody fingers that were lodged under a door. She pulled the older style phone from her pocket. It took a moment for the screen to light.
"Help’s coming. "
"No, no, no! No more needles!"
Sally huffed as she went to the front door, cracked it open, then returned to Rose.
"What were you thinking? Haven't I told you to be careful?"
Rose clutched her doll in her good hand as her mother moved the fallen fort.
"You climbed up on the dresser to hang the sheet."
Rose whimpered as she rolled to face her injured, trapped hand. "It just fell."
"No. You fell. Because you can't climb. I've told you that. You were supposed to be in here taking a nap." Sally tossed the fallen book stack aside. She grabbed a pair of pants and socks from the dresser.
"You're going to wear pants, socks, and shoes with your nightgown to the hospital. No arguments." Rose wiggled between sobs, dressed just as help arrived.
"She's back here. I can't get her fingers out from under the door."
The paramedics helped Rose as Sally explained to the officer that she'd heard a crash and burst through the door, worried for her daughter. "She was supposed to be napping. I just got her down not five minutes before and taken a moment to use the bathroom."
"How long between the crash and you getting to her this time?"
Sally dug her nails into her hands. No way was she taking the blame for this. "Seconds. I kicked the door in to get to her. That's how her hand got caught."
The officer nodded. Sally excused herself and, Rose's shoes in hand, stormed to the girl's bedroom.
"We have her free." A paramedic said when she got there. Rose was staying still for them. But still clutching her doll.
"You know they don't let you take toys to the hospital." Sally held out her hand.
Rose’s screaming and flailing started again. Sally didn't budge. The officer eventually knelt down and retrieved the doll. He glared at it.
"Jennter," Rose cried as she reached as far as she could, but the paramedics were taking her away.
"She still has this?" The officer shoved the doll at Sally.
"Can we go? I should be with her. Didn't even get her shoes on. But I have them. See? New condition." Sally tossed the doll aside.
"Mmmhmm," the officer motioned for her to lead them out.
Rose returned home three days later. She wobbled to her room as fast as she could. Sally yelled to be careful.
"Jennter? Jennter?" Rose searched under the bed, in the drawers, and in the wash hamper.
"There's a new doll on your bed. Gift from the cop. This one is named Marie. See? All the letters on her box. Unlike the Jennifer doll from that toy drive."
"Where's Jennter?"
Sally picked up the new doll. "Marie. Can you stay still while I use the bathroom? Have you had enough doctors poking you this week to at least not cause another accident?"
Rose took the new doll from the box and asked it to help her find Jennter. Sally walked away.
She came back to find clothing everywhere and the bed unmade. "I was gone for a blink!"
"I can't find Jennter!"
Sally's face scrunched as if she bit a rotten lemon. "Jennifer is gone. Took off because you couldn't behave. Clean up this mess or Marie will follow."
"No. Jennter wouldn't leave. You sent her away."
"That doll was scrap. You have a new one. Now clean up."
"She wasn't scrap! I'm not scrap. She was healing from her ouchies, like me. Her skin had markings like mine does. Her hair was patchy like mine because some of her brain came out too. And she had arm holes like me. That's why you don't like her. You don't like me! You want Marie as a daughter. Take her!" Rose chucked the doll at her mother.
"Enough. Clean, nap, or play with the doll. But you stay in this room. And no climbing on the furniture or I'll throw it out."
"Like you tossed out Jennter. Like you want to kick me out."
"Stay quiet until dinner." Sally slammed the door. She went to the kitchen and banged a pot onto the stove. Just one day where it isn't so hard, she prayed.
Once the pasta and chicken was on the table, she called Rose, who didn't answer.
"I know you hear me calling," Sally said as she wedged the bedroom door open. Rose wasn't on the bed. Sally dropped to her knees and looked under it, but the girl wasn't there. She checked the dresser and the hamper.
"Rose?"
Sally ran around the apartment, calling her daughter's name, searching every hiding place. Then she felt a cool breeze on her neck.
Rose knew not to go into Sally's room. She knew she wasn't allowed near the bedroom window. She wasn't supposed to climb on the dresser to unlatch it. Or to open it onto the fire escape.
That rusted death trap. The building was nearly condemned over that. The owner had been fined again and again. Yet there it hung, clanging in every storm. Sally ran over and looked out.
Marie sat perched on the rusted fire escape.
Sally dialed her old phone, cursing as it retarded her speed in an emergency. "My daughter is gone!"
The wind whipped through the urban buildings, a new nightmare swirling between the leaves and litter. A cat hissed from the alley far below. Sally looked down and screamed.
https://t.co/WsQMpM87ux— JamieWriter (@PenMinion) June 17, 2020
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HI,
ReplyDeleteA twisted story of a child injuries and a overworked mother who tries to fulfil the role of mother, nurse and housekeeper. Unfortunately, Sally's wish became true and Rose is now released from the life she knew and cannot return.
An engaging story.
Shalom aleichem,
Pat G
Poor Sally and Rose. I can't imagine. So sad and scary.
ReplyDeleteGreat entry.
I agree with Toi: such a sad and scary story. A true family nightmare.
ReplyDeleteEngrossing and nasty.
ReplyDeleteThis will stay with me.
Yikes! That one hit me hard.
ReplyDeleteJamie, your story sure packs a punch. A sick child. A distressed mother. A nightmare. Feel sorry for both of them. Especially with the ending. Deep and dark and memorable. Thanks for coming up with this story for the prompt. Great to have you back!
ReplyDeleteA chilling story, beautifully written. I was expecting the Jennifer doll to be something like the Talky Tina doll from the Twilight Zone. Well done!
ReplyDeleteWell well well that was such a nightmare. There was suspense and distress and relatability. All great combos. I enjoyed it!
ReplyDeleteSonia from https://soniadogra.com
I love how you described the child character by using the doll. Great story. Another nightmare ending. Great use of the prompt.
ReplyDeleteA mother's worst nightmare. It's heart wrenching the pain some mothers and daughters have to go through. Engaging and poignant flash, great characterisations. Enjoyed reading. Well done.
ReplyDeleteI won't need to worry about a nightmare tonight because I won't be able to sleep! Thanks for sharing!
ReplyDeleteOh dear, this is a true nightmare indeed! I feel so badly for both of them. Rose, who wants to play and climb but only gets hurt in the process and feels unloved, and Sally who is strained and stressed by everything that's happening. That ending is truly haunting. Well done!
ReplyDeleteHi Jamie - I was thinking of Voodoo ... and am not at all sure it ties in - but you've crafted so much into the storyline ... well done. As Laura says ... 'haunting' ... take care - Hilary
ReplyDeleteThis one was hard to read, and harder to comment on. It stayed with me a long time after I read it. The little girls feelings, I couldn't dismiss. Why did she feel so hated by her mother. A horrific end and I still have so many questions. It brought back memories of when I threw out my sons 'carebear' years after I thought he'd outgrown it. He was devastated!!! Thank you for such an interesting, heartbreaking read!
ReplyDeleteI wondered about Rose's age mid-story - and what really happened. Disturbing tale building to the horrific ending. An unimaginable nightmare - and one that feels as if it's been going on for ages... I feel I missed what had happened to Rose originally. From birth? From a terrible accident? Not the escape expected.
ReplyDeleteExtremely disturbing! I wonder why poor Sally didn't get any emotional support, or guidance on how to handle a cild like Rose. Well written.
ReplyDeleteChilling Jamie. Packed full with information, twists and turns, clues and resolution. Beautifully written with punchy dialogue. Happy WEP week.
ReplyDeleteThis story continues so far past the end. The mother is already being judged. She will be blamed for what happened. So scary and sad.
ReplyDeleteA disturbing read in more ways than one. I'm not sure who my sympathies lie with the most, the mother or the child, you had me wavering from one to other which shows how well written your story is.
ReplyDeleteA chilling take on how overwhelming it can be to try to balance life. Well done.
ReplyDeleteWow it's 24C here today, and I have chills--actual goosebumps! There is a lot to unpack in this story and it comes at high speed. Such a tragedy, a parent's worst nightmare. Also a child's feeling of abandonment, their wish to escape. All too human and all too believable. Good job!
ReplyDeletePoignant story. A mother alone and her all engulfing whimsy daughter. Quite fulfilling story.
ReplyDelete