Plot Bunny because Not All Dreams Are Bad

In this dream, there was an uppity Queen with twin sons, both who married girls who were as far below their station as possible. The queen made everyone get dressed all fancy to go to church in the community the girls were from. This went as about as well as you'd expect. (Drunk men being told to bow to their former whores...) The royal guards lost control of the situation. The Princes ended up doing battle. One died.

The queen, being outraged at the lost of her eldest son, had the younger one drugged to sleep. He was then taken to her secret "play area," which was designed to look like a foreign planet. It had all manor of beasts not from the country, so it seemed very much like another world. The prince woke up there and had to fight to survive. The princesses had to sit by the queen, still in tattered gowns, watching helplessly. The queen vowed that if he died, they'd be next. If he lived, she'd vacate the thrown.

Tornado dreams

In the first dream, my husband and I were at a hotel highrise. I was on the balcony. He was inside watching tv. I could smell the air changing and I knew. I looked up, and there were tornadoes coming. I ran inside and grabbed at him, begging him to come with me, to lock ourselves in the bathroom, in the tub. He wouldn't go. The hotel room had huge windows. I yanked the heavy curtains closed. I shoved my mobile phone into my bracelets  (nano and medical ID) because I was wearing pajamas without pockets. I wrapped my arms around John. He said that it was here. The building shook.
I woke up.

The next one is more complicated and incorporates my past.

I was in the house I mostly grew up in (we moved in and out of the house a few times, but my dad's parents always lived there). I don't know why I would have been there, but I was. I went into my old bedroom. There was a meeting table with chairs around it. (This isn't actually weird.)  I used the bathroom (which is in the room,   there are two shower curtains on the rod that serve to separate it from the rest of the room). I get done and am coming out, and my asshole uncle walks in. I scream at him to get out. He looks startled and embarrassed  (neither which are facial expressions or feelings I think he's capable of) and flees the room. I roar (yes, really). Then I realize that my dad and the rest of his siblings are sitting at the table,  all avoiding my gaze. I'm like,  "what?!"

That's when my phone rings. It's my best friend, Renee. I answer it and tell her she won't believe the day I'm having. Hearing the furiousness in my voice, she asks if she needs to come get me. She yells to her husband,  Fritz, to go clean out the car. Meanwhile, my mom walks in the room. She looks at my dad and asks what's going on (since everyone is still avoiding looking at me and you can cut the tension with the proverbial knife). He tells her, "We all know that she doesn't know yet, and none of us want to tell her." I flip out and demand someone tell me.

"Pappy H***** died." ((No, I'm not including my mom's maiden name in a blog post. Obviously.))

"What? When!" I ask, all sad.

"About a week ago," Mom answers all casual.

I shake with anger and too many feelings. Renee is still on the phone. I can hear her. "Fritz, omg, her grandfather died. A week ago. And she didn't know."

"Again?"

"Again." Renee's voice is amazed, sad, supportive... her voice is like a distant hug reaching for my grief.

"AGAIN" I say through gritted teeth. I grab my shoes. My feet get jammed in as best I can, but the back heel parts aren't pulled up right, so I'm half stumbling as I storm out. My parents run after me, so I can't stop to fix my damn shoes. "Drive," I say to Renee, though I can barely breathe and speaking is like yanking a dagger out through my throat. I hang up. I'm finally far enough that I can fix my shoe. I hear my mom in the distance. "I'm going for a WALK," I yell.

Somehow I end up in my car eventually. I'm on my grandfather's road. There are strangers in his driveway. People are hauling off the stuff from the house. They stare at me. I pretend I'm just here to turn around, and I pull away. I go around the back, park, and head inside the other door. A room that I've never seen empty now is. I collapse on the floor. Tears flood out of me and I'm drowning in them, since I can't f*ing breathe. Then there's a siren in the distance. (I think it's actually for the fire department, but I don't know. Sounds like the tornado warning sound in movies. But I know that's not what it's really for because it goes off on nice days, too.)

I look outside. There's a huge tornado. And my mom. She found me. She comes in to say she's sorry. I tell her there's no time for that right now and shove us both into a corner. The roof rips off. We're in the middle, in the eye of the tornado. There are lots of people in the funnel, but they're blurry and moving too fast. A camera comes down (like a security camera). A loud, deep voice asks for our names.

I get up,  state my name,  and say that my family has been on this spot for generations, so it's important that I stay. My mom says her name, but she's crying so hard that it barely comes out. A hand reaches down for me and one starts coming down for her. I grab on.  She reaches just as the voice says no and the hand retracts. I grab at that hand, trying to force it back down, but can't. So I grab her. The man holding me (the one from "my hand" as I can now see that the hands are attached to people, I can see more than just hands now) tells me I have to let her go. Lightning crashes and I see a list scrolling through the funnel, projected in mid air. She's not on it. I know  he's right.

"I love you. Always remember that." I let go of her hand.

And then I woke up.

____________________________

" Being caught in the centre of the storm it shows that you are taking charge of your life. On the same token, being within the tornado means you are letting someone control you." http://www.auntyflo.com/dream-dictionary/tornado

***

"Dream experts commonly suggest that tornado dreams symbolize scattered attention. This may suggest that there is a lot of things going on in your waking life. If your attention is spread out, things can slip by. Having your attention concentrated on multiple activities can also be stressful. Your tornado dream may suggest that you have too much going on. Since tornado dreams symbolize negative emotions, this can be taking a toll on you mentally, physically, and emotionally. This constant juggle can be draining on your emotions.

If you were within the tornado in your tornado dream, this can apply that your life may be spinning out of control. You may feel powerless, overworked, or overwhelmed in your waking life. The stress and anxiety from such emotions can cause you to spiral out of control. These all are very serious emotions that can lead to destructive behavior. You need to take a step back and analyze what you are bringing on yourself. You need to reevaluate your predicament and take the proper steps to make things better.

If you were hiding in your tornado dream, this can represent that you are keeping your emotions within and hiding them from the world.Keeping our emotions inside and not talking about them can result in negative behavior. Eventually, you are going to need to share what you are going through. In your tornado dream, you are hiding because you are fearful of what can happen. This same fear can be applied to your waking life. What is causing your fear? What are you scared of?

If you are caught inside a tornado in your tornado dream, this may symbolize that you are struggling with your inner emotions. Since tornado dreams represent negative emotions, more then likely you are feeling anxiety, fear, depression, or pain. This can be brought on by a variety of different things in your waking life. The worst thing that you can do at this point is keep everything bottled up inside. Tell someone that you know well exactly how you feel."

http://hubpages.com/religion-philosophy/Tornado-Dreams-Interpretation-Tornado-Dream-Meanings-Dream-Interpretation

Interpretation Sites.

Good But Cruel

I had a dream that my current #1 priority actually came through. That thing I've waited over 4 years to happen finally happened.

But I woke up. It was only a dream. A bit cruel to wake up and realize it had only been a dream.

Good,  but cruel.

Anyway. Today is my best friend's birthday. I'm here, she's there, I wish we were together. Soon,  hopefully.

I have a meeting tomorrow with Didi at Wegman's to nail down specifics of the wedding shower we're throwing for my cousin.

Bad dream

Bad dream.

It was a snow day. Or two-hour delay. So I was still high school age. But I was dating my neighbor (who yes,  I did grow up with, but no, we never dated and we barely spoke past 5th grade, and by high school we ran in very different circles... He is probably pro-Trump.). He came over with his mom for some reason. (Okay, his parents are really nice and were even at my wedding.) I had some big essay due, so she was looking over it. Then his dad came and was also looking over it. Neither of them does anything editing related. In fact, in reality, I'd have been the one looking over stuff for them. But in the dream, they found all these mistakes. Stupid, obviously ones. I spelled a caption wrong and the word was on a sign above it. I had th instead of the. At first, I was going to fix it with some white out. But more and more mistakes,  and it was clear I'd need to fix and reprint. But I had to go somewhere to do that, and it was snowing. I was still going to go.

That's when my Aunts and Uncles start showing up. Couldn't get to work and the airport and whatever, so they came here. Some with my cousins. And then dogs. A nice dog I knew. Then two more larger ones I didn't. Then some pony-dog which scared me stiff. And I said, "I'm terrified and can't move. Someone please help me." I was standing inches from the fridge. It was super reflective, like a mirror fridge instead of white, chrome, or whatever. I'm staring at myself, seeing myself unable to move. The people are all just going about their business,  laughing and chatting, ignoring me.

The door opens. Two more dogs. I can see them in the fridge-mirror. One is a great dane, the dog that kind of bit me as a toddler when he was pulling me away from danger (but I was 2 and, yeah...). The other was, I don't know, a Hell Hound from Supernatural? Pure darkness that snuffed out surrounding light making it look like it was in a cloud of darkness. Red glowing eyes. Fangs. It pushed the great dane forward until it bit me. Teeth sunk into my right ass cheek and bottom two vertebrae. I can still feel it. I woke up feeling it. I wasn't laying wired or anything. There's nothing there. Nothing but fear.

Okay. So. What the hell does this mean?

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http://www.matchadream.com/

Seeing a dog in your dream, indicate a skill that you have ignored or forgotten, but needs to be activated. If the dog is vicious and/or growling, then it means some inner conflict within yourself. It may indicate betrayal and untrustworthiness. Dreaming that a dog bites you on the leg, suggests that you have lost your ability to balance aspects of your life. You may be hesitant in approaching a new situation or have no desire to move forward with your goals. If the dog is barking ferociously, then it represents your habit of making demands on people and controlling situations around you. It could also mean unfriendly companions.

Dreaming of bites, forewarns of danger from someone who has wished you harm, either physical or monetary. Be careful of people who surround you. Dreaming that you are being bitten, represents your vulnerability regarding your unresolved issues emotions. You may be pestered by a problem or obstacle.

Dreaming of having a good neighbor means enjoyment and tranquility at home. Dreaming of having an angry neighbor means quarrels, dissensions and possibly relocation from your home.

Dreaming that you make a mistake indicates that you are doubting yourself in the choices and decisions you have made.

Seeing an uncle in your dream, represents some aspect of your family heritage and traits. It may also symbolize new ideas and emerging awareness.

Seeing snow in your dream means your inhibitions, repressed/unexpressed emotions and feelings of frigidity. You need to release and express these emotions and inhibitions. You may also be feeling indifferent, alone and neglected.

Dreaming that you are or feel helpless, suggests that you are experiencing difficulties in confronting a situation or relationship. You feel that you are unable to take charge of yourself.

Dreaming that you are scared indicates that you are experiencing self-doubt and feelings of incompetence. You may be feeling a lack of control. Anger often masquerades as fear, so also consider issues about which you are angry about in your waking life.

Seeing your own reflection in the mirror, suggests that you are pondering thoughts about your inner self. The reflection in the mirror is how you perceive yourself or how you want others to see you. You may be contemplating on strengthening and changing aspects of your character. Seeing images through the mirror may be a safe way for you to consider and/or confront material from your unconscious. Mirrors symbolize the imagination and a link between the conscious and unconscious.

Before I Turn Older Still

Check out @niicki's Tweet: https://twitter.com/niicki/status/735768057402908672?s=09

Where am I going?
That was once so clear.
I knew,  back when I was 17 and graduating high school/ a Freshman in college,  exactly where I was going and what I needed to do to get there.
Except I didn't, really. I had some big ideas. But at least I had ideas and drive. And certainty!  If you had asked me what I'd do if the plans didn't work out, I'd have looked at you like you were unintelligent and replied,  with careful enunciation, that I'd figure it out.

I always had, you see. So much had been tossed at me by then that I felt prepared for anything.

So the world tested me. It threw more. A lot more. All at once. It took chunks of my body, mind, soul, spirit, sexuality, bravery,  strength, health... everything.

I dealt with it the best way I could. I made new plans to keep up.

Then it hit harder. So I fought harder.

Then the most awful thing that can ever happen,  happened. My light went out with that blow.

No more sun in the sky.

I live by a match. And it frequently burns out. So I search for another match, and something to strike it upon. I dare not light a torch or a camp fire,  for surely the signal would be easy to spot in the darkness, and I'd be crushed again.

Except the match is not enough to live by.

And this metaphor is over done.

I had goals I'd accomplish before I turned 35.

A nice list. A long list. A doable list.
I did one.
Well, one that lasted.
There are some that cannot just be moved to "by the time I'm 40."
I could picture my future before. Now I can't.
I can't even imagine what my life will be like in a month from now.
Right at this moment, I don't even have certainty of my life in two weeks from now.
Not my address, nor the well being of my family, or my financial place, or even what my health condition will be by then.

I really don't know where I'm going. I'm not even sure where I am.

Do I at least know what I might like to happen?
1- Sell a certain property to 2 close people.
1a. Be assured of their safety and well being as best as I can be.
1b. Have the necessary funds to relocate my husband and myself and aquire new furniture (so as to prevent the migration of mold as much as possible) and have proper cooling so as to facilitate my survival.
2- Get better.
2a. More than just stable.
2b. Not just "not worse."
2c. At least have some moments of less pain.
2c-1. LESS pain,  not just days where it isn't worse, but days where it isn't as bad. Days at a 4 on the pain scale. Not my normal 7.

I want to add writing goals. I feel obligated to add wedding related goals,  as a Matron of Honor. Friendship goals? Cooking, cleaning,  household goals? Maybe weight loss or strength increase goals? Motherhood goals? Aunt goals? Reading goals?

I don't know. The stretch of the first two seems so out of reach. I should endeavor to find Atlantis,  as the odds are more in my favor.

Do I dare set a goal just to have hope?
Goal: Have Hope.
Ahh, but hope leads me to trouble. It pulls at that inner girl I once was,  the one who believed, the one who the world had not broken yet. The one who would have found a way to light a fire as bright as the sun. Or something. I don't know.

That 17 year old me would be pleased with the husband and friends.
But she'd find a way to overhaul the rest of this,  because it'd sicken her to look at this life.

There must be a way to fix this. There must be a path I could take to get back on track.

Maybe if I knew the track, that'd help.

I play Civilization V more often,  and usually on an easier level. Why? So I can win. I'm not there for the challenge. I just need a win. A small victory. It means nothing in the grand scheme of things. It's a game. But sometimes,  surrounded by so much failure, I just need to do something right. It's not so much a fear of failure- that'd be silly, at this point, because it happens all the damn time- but a desperate need to win. To recall what it feels like so I can go on to something else and hope for the same elation.

Is it reasonable to expect my two current goals before I turn 40? I don't know.

Should I aim lower? I don't see how I can.
How about one? The first.
Yes. Just the first set. 1, 1a, 1b.
Though I am, with my whole heart and mind,  convinced that moving from this place will lead to the second.
But I shall move but once more, by choice, in this life. If I move again after that,  be assured it is because the ocean is about to consume the state, or aliens have abducted us all, or the new overlords have commanded it after conquering the nation. This is how passionately I hate moving. "Why don't you just move," is the equivalent of "why don't you just cut out some of your own organs and Frankenstein yourself back together?" It might not all fit, you might not find some of it, the infection from that could be worse than what was wrong... No. Once more, and that is it.

Ideally, I'd move in a cool October. I'd like to be party to the moving, not just cowering in the cool air.

Not that I can look at houses in the summer. Who would pay to cool it?
So shopping in the autumn, moving in the winter. But before Thanksgiving. Certainly before Dec 31, when the lease expires.

I said that last year.
And the year before that.
And the one before that,  as well.

And I'm done now.

Is it depression? The thing is, as I understand it,  depression is the result of chemicals being off balance. I don't know that I can attribute my feelings to that. Would I be happier if I were in my new home, and my 2 people were in their home and no longer suffering the imminent danger they face now? Yes. I've wanted that since... Honestly, since I was 13. Really, when I think on it, I worked toward that goal since then. Originally my plan was to make enough money by the time I was 23 to afford both.

I could have sold the property shortly after I got it. The bank would have been obligated to buy it. But that didn't meet my goal of getting a home for my 2 people, pulling them out of the situation they landed themselves in. (So I'm helping them land in $167,000 of debt, when one is in poor health and the other is about to turn 62. They'll have their dream, but get the cost of a nightmare. Shit. Nope, not thinking on that.)

How can I make the best of today?
Reading and writing for a bit.

How can I make the best of the next 7 days?
I don't know. Next week holds challenges that I've yet to figure out how to face.

Goal:
To believe that one day it'll be okay again. That I'll be able to be happy without sounding like a loon. (Because, I'm sorry, but it's pretty damn bad right now, so anyone who's happy in the face of a health crisis, financial ruin, family dilemmas, and safety concerns probably just doesn't understand what's going on.)

Is that an asparagus in your pants and is it happy to see me

Overheard:
Man to pre-school age boy:

"What you want and what's reality aren't the same thing. Now let me get the check so we don't get arrested."

1- #dreamkiller Reality isn't going to the moon, but we've done that. So maybe stop crushing dreams of the young.

2- Given the high percentage of children with a close relative in a legal battle, maybe arrested shouldn't be seen as the worst thing possible. Innocent until proven arrested? No.
Obviously teaching that paying the bill is important. But it seemed like poor phrasing.

Just random thoughts for today.

Now enjoy that asparagus picture.

Two tweets toward a chance to win

Check out @PenMinion's Tweet: https://twitter.com/PenMinion/status/733303102703558656?s=09

That tweet is your chance to win $1000 worth of notebooks for following some Instagram accounts.

https://twitter.com/niicki/status/733106932404232192

This tweet is about dreams. Accomplishing dreams is a life win.

I'm going to add to my dream comment answer here. (Frankly,  3 comments on one post is probably a bit much... )

I'm not sure how to word this dream, so bear with me. (You can also bare with me if you want to get naked. Ha ha.)

Due to my respiratory condition,  I'm heat intolerant. Warm air feels like breathing in shards of glass. Slow, painful suffocation. (Zero pleasure. No idea what pleasure some people get from not breathing,  but whatever "wire" in the brain has that,  mine was cut.)

My best friend,  Renee, totally understands. When I visit her, she's got the air cranked. If she can't get her whole house cool, she at least makes safe spots for me. And sits with me. Granted,  she enjoys the cool air,  so it's easier. Or maybe she's just superwoman. I don't know, but I love her for it. I never feel guilty or unsafe at her place.

Family members will sometimes set a little cold area up for me. Away from everyone. Away from the food, drinks, bathroom,  and merriment. My own personal leper colony. I've sat on a chair outside and watched Christmas through the window. I understand ghosts.

I've sat at a friend's house. She was wrapped up under two blankets and still shivering. She asked if I was cold enough, and noted that I looked bright red. I lied and said I was fine. I can't bring myself to say,  "no, I'm roasting hot" while the host is freezing at 72° F. Especially knowing that it'll be another 12° until I'm okay. I feel guilty,  and my mind is listing the place as unsafe, which breaks my heart.

I frequently lie about being okay when I'm not. I deal with this disorder punishing me. But taking down my friends and family? That's why I became an introvert.

Yes, I've heard it's not a choice. But I was the host or co-host of parties. Ever been to a party where you only know 1 person? BEEN? I'VE THROWN THEM!  I made a ton of friends that night... nights... The rager kind of lasted a few days, with people just coming and going. I moved to a town where I didn't know a soul, and I loved it. I made friends. I took over social groups. And it wasn't the first time. When I lived in West Virginia, I was the most popular girl in the school. Upper and lower classmates came to me for advice. I didn't realize I held the title until people told me. It was just me being me. For the record, I was nice, not a mean girl. Okay, maybe to Jim, but the perv needed a smack. Anyway

I'm not bragging. I'm pointing out history. I leave my house once a week now. Sometimes twice. But usually once. On Tuesday,  to be with my writing friends. Except November, oh sweet tasty Nov,  where we meet up several times a yummy week, mmmmmmm. ♡

That's who I am now. Sounds like an introvert. But am I? It's a choice I made because I hate having other people freezing to keep me from extreme pain. I can't bring myself to ask them to be colder. I haven't even spent more than a few hours at my parents house because my dad can't take the cold, and trying to get it cool for me and then warm for him was exhausting my mom,  so I just stopped going.

So what's the dream in this? To not feel guilty, pain, or outcasted when hanging out with people? Yeah, I guess so. I dream of having this nice house where people can come over and there's room to sit. But I know I'll have to buy mini heaters for them, or I'll just be watching from another room. People aren't coming. For the same damn reason so few want to go to Antarctica. (Okay, maybe some other cold place, because I want to go! The trip costs like 16 grand, which is my not-packing-right-now reason.)

Dream to earn enough money for that trip from writing?

Would I survive the flight? What if the plane was hot? The boat leaves from South America. Not exactly known for being cold.

I'm off topic. And I still don't know how to properly word my dream. I guess it's the same one as the getting better dream. But it isn't. This one is about dealing while I wait to get better, or dealing because I won't (short of a medical breakthrough).

End thoughts.