Proof 2018 Was Better Than I Thought

There were times last year where things were really bad. Dark thoughts. Lots of dark thoughts. I'm not proud of them. But here's the light at the end of the tunnel:

See that? It's a chart, a spreadsheet, of my whole year. (Valentine's day is split in two because it was fantastic, ...and then a plumbing nightmare. Thus 366 days.)

Look at the bottom there.

It wasn't as bad as it felt. In fact, it was slightly better than average.

I'm not saying that this proves that "things aren't as bad as they seem" or whatever cliche. But in this case, yeah, these numbers do support that in this case. It's uplifting, like an antidepressant of sorts. Reassuring.

Thanks to Katie for making the template.

Reflection on #AtoZchallenge 2018

a-to-zchallenge.com

View from my hospital room

Mirror selfie from hospital

This post might be a bit depressing. The challenge ended, and I managed all the posts. HOWEVER, I landed in the hospital by May 3, and was there for a few days. Yeah, I had a great view (once they found me a room... I spent the first night in the Emergency Room because there were no beds -- in a hospital with four wings and nine floors, there wasn't a telemetry bed). I am home now.

After the hospital stay, I was put on meds with "beta blockers." I've looked this up on the Internet, as well as discussing it with one of my doctors, and apparently I'm not alone in feeling depressed when taking these. Like I can't ignite my fire, can't find my passion, feel dead inside.

Which is why I hadn't written my reflection post.

Or done more commenting, as I had intended to do. (I wasn't doing so well before I went to the hospital, so that also put a kink in things.)

I feel like I'm behind on my goals. But hey, I'm writing this post now. And I took the survey. So one day at a time, right? First step in a journey or some quote for motivation and inspiration. I also can't keep a damn thought in my freaking head.

Only A to Z could use this word for me. Okay, I guess technically the hospital could too, since my blood pressure might have been above a lethal number. (Might, because I recently learned that the automatic cuffs tend to be off by 60 to 90 points on my top number, and that's what they used.) But I managed all of my posts, so that's something.

I spent the month of April writing about coffee, comparing different ones based on my flavor profile. The doctors now say I'm limited to ONE cup of caffeine a day. "It could be worse."

Yeah, it could. But add in the drugs that make me feel like a Dementor has moved into my body, plus less caffeine, and I'm not doing so great. Sorry. 

I can't think anymore thoughts, so I'm going to stop typing now. 

Really Dumb Trigger

*cursing ahead*

I know my feelings in this moment are dumb. I'm actually a bit angry at myself for feeling them at all. It's illogical and irrational to feel this dark and down, this depressed, this Dementor attacked, over a lollipop.

But I do.

There was one "new flavor" in the whole bag of Tootsie Pops. Watermelon. And I was saving it as my reward lollipop. I was really looking forward to trying it. But more than that, seeing it in the bag was motivating me. Letting me focus on something other than the fact that it's too hot to breathe, I'm left out of dozens of family functions, my dad (father-in-law) just died, and my friend lost her a baby a month ago and keeps writing posts that bring up all my feelings from 17 damn years ago. And now I'm literally sitting here crying over a mother fucking lollipop and seriously want to punch myself in the face.

And I don't even know how to explain it. Yes, I could go to Wegman's or some other bulk candy place and maybe get one. But I don't WANT another...

I sound like such a fucking tool. Like a bratty child.

There's really so little going on in my life that I'm having a fucking breakdown over a stupid fucking lollipop.

The worst part?

The VERY worst part?

AGAIN.

Yeah. This isn't the first time this has happened. There is a reason I haven't bought Blowpops in years. And dumdums in so long that it's absurd.

I really need to stop putting so much mental and emotional weight onto fucking lollipops. This is so first world problem it's sickening.

Over a damn lollipop.

I've lost all my drive and desire for today. Like someone cut the path to passion in my brain.

It'll be fine. I'll get over it. Won't bring it up again. Won't even mention to John how sad I am that,  in a bag with 2 grape, 2 chocolate, 5 raspberry, and 5 cherry left ... he managed to snag the ONE watermelon,  and that I asked him if he grabbed a blowpop specifically so I could say, "just don't take that one," but he said,  "I was just standing here," and...

I'm tired. I'm too tired.

Why was that stupid candy so easy to fixate on?

I wish I never bought this bag.