Twitter Update

I don't know what else to tell Twitter. I quoted a comedian, one who has an account. The joke used was part of the YouTube video. The same joke is a gif readily available on their website. The threat was to my own self-critical voices, not to any actual living beings. I'm not even actually capable of killing my own self-critical voices. That's a job for prescriptions written by psychiatrists, and I'm not on any of those pills or seeing someone who could prescribe those. The voices are free to tell me that I suck and every idea I have is dumb. They can fill me with doubt and make me not want to even get out of bed. The voices have now also been given the power to cut me off from Twitter. I've already been cut off from human support, thanks to Covid quarantine. Twitter has made its stance against mental healthcare very clear to me. Message received. Bad voices good, they have power, they are protected by TOS. I feel like I've been shoved in the mud enough and have learned this lesson. I'm sorry I threatened the self-critical voices in my head using a Jeff Dunham joke. That was wrong of me.

Another Twitter Appeal

 Today's appeal message sent to Twitter:

I am sorry that I threatened the self-critical voices in my own head. I know now that they are protected under your TOS and will never threaten them again. I won't even take anti-depressants if they're offered. I won't seek any mental therapy. I'm sorry for threatening to kill the self-critical voices in my head and will never even mention anything close to suggesting better mental health if you'll just please give me a second chance. 

I will also never quote a Jeff Dunham joke on Twitter again. Even the ones you have available in your gifs, since those gifs are a violation of the TOS. No more quoting comedians. Just because they're allowed to say something in a tweet doesn't mean that I'm allowed to. Got it. Message received. Lesson learned. I'm sorry for not realizing that celebrities have different free speech rules on the platform. That's my bad. I should have read the rules closer. 

Uniquely Maladjusted and Not Funny

Yup, I'm still suspended. 

The number of Jeff Dunham specials I've watched over the years... the number of times I've laughed at his jokes... 

The number of times I've fought self-critical voices in my head...

The voices know right where to hit. 

"Oh, you'd like to travel to X? Think your lungs would hold up? Think your back and legs won't give out? What about climate control? Food allergies? You really think it's safe to go anywhere and do anything?"

In the last year, I have barely left my apartment. I had to start taking extra vitamins because the total lack of sun exposure impacted my health. I don't see people. I have taken to referring to my husband as "my only human." 

And I meow. A lot. A very abnormal amount. I meow at the coffee cup. I hiss at the kitchen drawer when it sticks. Sometimes I just sit here and randomly meow to myself just to make a sound. Sometimes I watch too much tv just so I can hear the sound of people talking. 

The self-critical voices are very loud. And to even suggest that I could kill them is ridiculous. I have lost that power. They win more often than not. 

But I get on Twitter and use ResistBot to reach out to my elected officials. I fight for causes. I tweet to people. I follow friends. 

Or I did.

Now I don't. Because I'm suspended. For threatening to kill the self-critical voices in my head, a threat made with a Jeff Dunham puppet joke. 

Guess it isn't funny to threaten those self-critical voices. They are protected by Twitter's Terms of Service. I should have known better. 

Stupid

A friend of mine is doing this 31 questions in March blogging writing challenge (https://marquessamatthews.com/2021/02/10/want-to-join-me-for-a-writing-challenge-alexandrafranzen/). I don't know if I'll manage to do the whole month. 

I haven't kept up with this. 

If I  hadn't done the challenge, I wouldn't have discussed self critical voices. I wouldn't have gone on a blogging rant about how scared and sad I am from quarantining for a year. I should just keep my mouth shut, or fingers off the keys. 

A lesson I still haven't embraced as here I am, sharing my disappointment in myself for violating the Twitter terms of service by suggesting "murderous violence" against self critical voices 🧠 (which apparently have more rights than I do). I'm disappointed in myself for making such a foolish mistake. 😔

https://www.instagram.com/p/CMn_dOflKlzFWLocFZ-RVQVcUprSwWTRWwSnLE0

Twitter Suspended Me for Quoting Jeff Dunham

"I do NOT believe that my account violated the rules. "You may not threaten violence against an individual or a group of people." I did not threaten any individual or humans. 

https://uniquelymaladjustedbutfun.blogspot.com/2021/03/silence-i-kill-you.html

That's the link to the blog post.

"How do you reign in self critical voices?" is the topic. 

Responding with a Jeff Dunham video of his puppet saying "Silence! I kill you!" is both funny, and also a threat only to my own self critical voices. If I saw someone in the psychiatric community, or took Prozac, that would also be killing my self critical voices, and considered a positive step toward proper mental health. 

But what's REALLY disturbing --

Go on Twitter. Go to "gif" and type the EXACT phrase of which I'm suspended for. Go ahead. Oh look, there it is! 

You'll allow a gif of the puppet saying it. But if I title a blog post and post a video from YouTube of that same puppet using the same quote, I'm violating the rules?

YOU LET JEFF DUNHAM HAVE AN ACCOUNT. He's a ventriloquist. He is the human saying it. He isn't suspended. But I'm suspended for quoting him? He gets millions of dollars, I get suspended? 

What happened to fair and equal treatment? 

Are you also suspending everyone who uses that gif? 

The gif is readily available on your website right now.

Why is that?

Why do you have a gif that, if someone were to use it, they would be suspended?

Why are you allowing Jeff Dunham to have an account? He's going to keep doing shows with the puppet. Gonna keep right on using that catchphrase. And the puppet? He isn't referencing killing self critical voices. The puppet is joking about terrorists blowing people up. But Jeff Dunham is a celebrity, so you allow it. But I'm a no one, so you take away all my followers and following and indefinitely suspend me FOR QUOTING A COMEDIAN'S PUPPET. 

Meanwhile, you allow others to use the exact same quote.

Why am I being targeted? 

PLUS, I took the tweet down, as the suspension required. 

I joked about a puppet killing my self critical voices.

Are you against mental therapy?

Are you in favor of self critical voices? 

Where's the equality? "

OH LOOK! They'll allow the Gifs.

Gif = okay
Video of puppet= not okay
🤔

No following. No followers. 

This is 🐂💩.

https://twitter.com/jeffdunham 
That account exists!

#IfTwitterBlowsUp ... I did it. #Silence !! #IBlockYou ! pic.twitter.com/8dYp1ccMlQ

— Jeff Dunham (@jeffdunham) April 4, 2015

ACHMED: Silence...wait for it... I KEEL YOU! #dunham

— Jeff Dunham (@jeffdunham) September 26, 2011

Oh. We're offended by proper spelling now? Is that it?

 

Bad Voices Win

A friend of mine is doing this 31 questions in March blogging writing challenge (https://marquessamatthews.com/2021/02/10/want-to-join-me-for-a-writing-challenge-alexandrafranzen/). I don't know if I'll manage to do the whole month. 

March 17 – What are you an expert on? Is it because of training, lived experience, or both?

I don't know. 

I'm still suspended from Twitter. It was supposed to be for 12 hours. 

For quoting a puppet.

For threatening to kill negative voices in my head. 

Guess the negative voices won. And they say I'm not an expert in anything. Don't argue, you might get blocked on social media.

Or become Jeff Dunham and make millions.

🙄

I would like equal treatment.

Quoting @jeffdunham Puppet got me Suspended on Twitter

I have been suspended for quoting a puppet. @jeffdunham has a puppet with a catchphrase. https://twitter.com/search?q=%40jeffdunham%20silence%20I%20kill%20you&src=typed_query

If you are suspending me for that, I certainly hope you have also suspended EVERY ONE OF THESE ACCOUNTS AS WELL. And yes, if you clicked the link in my tweet, you'd see it was clearly a reference to the puppet's catchphrase. 

This blog post will appear in 12 hours. Achmed the Dead Terrorist... your catchphrase violates Twitter's rules. 

Maybe my self-critical voices can't be reigned in, because threatening to kill the bad voices in my head got me suspended.

Meanwhile... Jeff Dunham is over there making money hand over fist for using the words. Okay. Just so we're clear.

The Cheese State

A friend of mine is doing this 31 questions in March blogging writing challenge (https://marquessamatthews.com/2021/02/10/want-to-join-me-for-a-writing-challenge-alexandrafranzen/). I don't know if I'll manage to do the whole month. 

March 16 – If you could sit down with your 15-year old self, what would you tell him or her?

I already covered this. 15 year old me would kick my ass. First off, she wouldn't believe me that our life goes this way. I would not be able to convince her. 

But there are a few ups of my life. John, Nicki, Katie, Mike, Renee... 

And if I weren't on this life path, I might not have them. 🦋

Then again, John also worked with my mom, so it's possible, not likely but possible, that we still could have met. And three of the best friends I listed are writers, so we still might have met in much the same way. And Renee's life has been complicated enough that we still might have met, but probably not as co-workers.

So, okay. What could I tell young me? That the friends she has will betray her? That everyone she knows will lie to her in 2 years, and that lie will derail her life and destroy everything? That her boyfriend will survive brain surgery, and the doctors are wrong, because he's gonna live another decade. 

Young me would at least be grateful for the last one. Of course, the reason he lived is because he went SUPER HEALTHY. Growing his own food and everything. So she'd have to not tell him, that way he'd fight for life. 

And do a way better job fighting than me. Maybe she should go to Wisconsin. I don't know. Then move back here when he's gone. And then meet John. It only changes the timeline by a little. 

Actually... it changes EVERYTHING. Because if I was in Wisconsin, I would not inhale that chemical. My lungs would work. And life would be vastly different. 

🧀

Obstacles of Life

A friend of mine is doing this 31 questions in March blogging writing challenge (https://marquessamatthews.com/2021/02/10/want-to-join-me-for-a-writing-challenge-alexandrafranzen/). I don't know if I'll manage to do the whole month. 

March 15 – If you could choose your own life obstacles, would you keep the ones you have?

Hard pass on keeping these. I was prepared for a lot of scenarios. But I ended up with ones that I refused could believe could be my fate.

Seriously. A high school boyfriend once painted a verbal picture of our future. Of him coming home from work and my being there, making us dinner...

I LAUGHED.

I laughed hard. It bordered on cruel.

"No. I'll come home. You can be cooking."

Yeah. And here I am, my lungs broken, and ... my husband comes home to my cooking. My high school self would kill me. 🗡 Young me would stab 40s me without hesitation. And if she knew about half of the other stuff, she'd stab herself too. 

I have failed my obstacles. And I am tired of failing. And I'm really tired of failing because I followed the rules, especially when people who aren't saddled with rules can win by just not following the same rules. 😤

I just... can't anymore 😑😒😖😭😡😬🤪🙊

SILENCE! I Kill You. -- JEFF DUNHAM #quote

A friend of mine is doing this 31 questions in March blogging writing challenge (https://marquessamatthews.com/2021/02/10/want-to-join-me-for-a-writing-challenge-alexandrafranzen/). I don't know if I'll manage to do the whole month. 

March 14 – How do you reign in self critical voices?

I replace them with the kind, happy voices of my friends who I see every week. 

🤔😭

Except for the last 52 weeks.

😷 Have I mentioned my anger that anti-maskers want this pandemic to last LONGER??? 

"Not uhhh... we don't even believe it exists! We just don't wanna do the work to make it stop. Easier to blame others and create conspiracy theories than follow the guidelines! And if we injure or mame someone as a result 🤷‍♀️ then they probably didn't deserve to exist." 

These are people that could have an actual 🧟‍♀️🧟‍♂️ zombie apocalypse outside their door and be all, "they're just life-challenged. Run em over and move on. It's probably swamp gas anyway." 

For those who believe, no explanation is needed, FOR THOSE WHO DON'T, NONE WILL EVER DO. 

-Xfiles

Actually, we have excellent scientific explanations. But these fools don't believe in science. Part of me wants to quarantine them all in Texas and ... no, they'll celebrate getting walled in and deported. 

Too bad the vaccine isn't in the water and sprayed from planes. They'd all move to their bunkers and stop infecting the rest of us. 

🤔 Can we... can we make that conspiracy theory happen? Create that lie for the greater good? "Even with the water and air vaccine, we still recommend getting the actual shot. 💉"

I have veered off topic. Well, when you mostly talk to yourself, there is no one to reign you in. 

https://youtu.be/ssVaMwTYyPc

****NOTE!!!!

My Twitter account has been suspended for this post. 
Suggesting that using this puppet to "kill" my self-critical voices is a violation of Twitter's TOS. 

Panhandling

A friend of mine is doing this 31 questions in March blogging writing challenge (https://marquessamatthews.com/2021/02/10/want-to-join-me-for-a-writing-challenge-alexandrafranzen/). I don't know if I'll manage to do the whole month. 

March 13 – How do you engage with panhandlers on the street?

I have a tough time with this question. 

When I lived in Philly, I'm pretty sure it was illegal to both panhandle and to give money to them from your car. But Philly Pretzel Company 🥨 changed things. They had them selling pre-bagged 4 for $1 soft pretzels at busy intersections. This was legal. And 🤤 you have no idea how good those pretzels are. They melt in your mouth. Lets say that I purchased some.

Fast forward to more recently, like 2 years ago. *pre-covid

There was one near the (basically defunct) mall by my house. I was going to the Starbucks in the parking lot area. I observed him, off and on, for about two hours while I sat there typing. So I used my "stars" and "free refill" to get a free muffin and coffee. (They give you a new cup, the word refill is misleading.) He thanked me and I saw him dive into the gift as I drove off. So I felt good.

But a month later, there's another guy on the intersection by the McD's 🍔. And I saw someone in the line ahead of me give him a bag of food. He waited a moment and then tossed it. I noticed he was wearing very expensive looking sneakers. I'm not saying he couldn't have gotten them from a charity, or didn't deserve nice shoes. But if you're throwing food and wearing nice shoes, are you begging because you need help, or have you just decided this is the "job" for you? It was peculiar and I drove past. A woman never knows if this will be the guy who plans to abduct her. 😕

But what bothered me the most was when I was 14 and in Washington DC, being honored for my poetry publications. My mom and I toured the city. There were SO MANY homeless vets! 💔 To my mind, that should not exist. Taxes should give them shelter forever. And health services. Forget that stupid wall-- build free homes for any veteran who wants one. No questions asked. You serve in the Army, Navy, Airforce, Coastguard, Marines, or National Guard-- free home along the border, no taxes, for as long as you want. And nearby VA stuff and stores. And a free bus or subway or whatever that runs 24/7. BUT I'M ONE OF THOSE BLEEDING HEART LIBERALS WHO BELIEVES IN SUPPORTING THE TROOPS. 

Unplug

A friend of mine is doing this 31 questions in March blogging writing challenge (https://marquessamatthews.com/2021/02/10/want-to-join-me-for-a-writing-challenge-alexandrafranzen/). I don't know if I'll manage to do the whole month. 

March 12 – Have you ever unplugged from the Internet for more than a week?

I mean... not to point out my age... but I didn't even the Internet until I was in college. I had a friend who had AOL at home in ninth grade, but omg she had an addiction problem. And dial-up was billed by the minute. (The younger people reading that sentence are gonna need a translator. Ha ha ha.) 

Here is the oldest saved email I could find. It's from 2004.
(I had older ones saved, but the folders are empty??? I guess even paid email services can delete saved emails after 17 years.)

ANYWAY. Could I live without going online for a week? Sure. 
But hasn't Covid isolated me enough from the world? 
I already talk to inanimate objects. You wanna take away my Facebook and Twitter too? Not unless you're gonna give me humans! Or cats. 

Rant about Antimaskers

The virus has proven to have a stronger will to survive than many humans. It is the superior species. It will continue to evolve faster than humans. And because a group of humans has given up the fight and turned a blind eye to this enemy, the virus will win.

The virus will mutate beyond the vaccine. The brave humans who opt to fight the virus will have to keep pace with the evolutions, or strains, because the humans who don't fight will assist the virus in mutating. 

It will be a race to see who goes extinct first: The virus and those who have chosen not to fight it, or the humans who are ready to accept more difficult survival methods to win the war.

The virus will never quit. It will fight to survive until it is eradicated. It has no other mission. It is more determined to survive than the human race. It is better suited to survive than humans. It will take nothing into consideration except for survival. 

Humans are already quitting. Humans are willing to let an "acceptable" percent of people die rather than fight. They'll even claim it wasn't the virus. They'll list things that matter more to them than the survival of the species. This has already been proven by the way the environment  has been mistreated-- not that the humans who don't fight the virus believe there's anything wrong with the environment, either. They aren't really invested in survival. Some of them are more interested in what might happen after death.

Curiously, many of those more interested in what happens after death have a list of rules they are to live by in order to obtain the desired post-life outcome. Among those rules are a mandate to protect human life and love other humans. Which means that, in deciding not to fight the virus, they forfeit the right to that afterlife. Except if this is pointed out, they respond with a "not uh." The logical reply is, "yeah hu." But it does no good because they believe only what they want to believe. So they think there is no virus, or they weren't created with the brains to fight it (an insult to the One they believe created them, if they believe they are of the same image), or that the virus is meant to win. There is probably some other nonsense reason in there, but frankly, I've endured all the mind numbingly stupid I can take.

So they're out there burning masks. Including handmade masks. Ones crafted by their fellow Americans during this pandemic. Made, and burned, in the USA. Because they do not honestly care about the economy or American jobs. Making those masks is an actual job. Making the material for the masks is an actual job. A college degree is not required to become a crafter selling masks on the Internet. No big, evil corporation was running those crafters. 🤔 But hot damn, there were a lot of WOMEN making money doing this job. And now, while mask mandates are still in place and the virus numbers remain largely unchanged, the battle against masks and the Americans who make them has begun. IF YOU BURN A MASK MADE IN THE USA BY AN AMERICAN, YOU HATE 🇺🇸AMERICA AND SMALL BUSINESSES. And probably don't like it when women turn a profit, either. Keep right on pretending it's about something else. 

Are masks 100% effective? No. But they are better than nothing. They have to be made correctly, worn correctly, and include the social distancing aspect. They need to be properly cleaned. And worn consistently when among people. Proper quarantine procedure wasn't followed. So the masks could only do so much. The virus doesn't slack off. The virus didn't take a break for Thanksgiving. And guess what? It isn't gonna take a holiday for St. Patrick's day! 

Rant, Fear and Theft

A friend of mine is doing this 31 questions in March blogging writing challenge (https://marquessamatthews.com/2021/02/10/want-to-join-me-for-a-writing-challenge-alexandrafranzen/). I don't know if I'll manage to do the whole month. 

March 10 – Have you ever been genuinely afraid for your physical safety?

March 11 – Have you ever stolen anything? (Money, candy, hearts, time?)

I missed yesterday by the hour. Whoops. It was a messed up day. A certain company doesn't know to hire smart people to install a wireless network. So my husband had off because there isn't work to do without the computers. But the new building certainly looks clean and shiny! (Also, the lights are all motion sensor. So if you 🚽 use the toilet for more than 3 minutes 💩 you'll be pooping in total darkness.) The computers require Internet to work. So it's a good thing the new warehouse is the middle of nowhere (it's still a corn field 🌽 on Google maps) where there's no functioning wifi or high-speed Internet access or even a decent cell tower. ("Can you hear me now?" One bar.) Yeah. Planning is obviously the strong suit. 🤦‍♀️

Okay. Back to the questions.

Yup. 

I have been in survival  situations more than once. Would you like to hear about the armed druggie on the porch when I was 9? How about either stalker when I was a teen? The time a knife was held to my neck? Or the day at work that I unknowingly inhaled a chemical that forever damaged my lungs? Maybe the time I turned blue at the doctor? Or when the code team was called because I wasn't breathing?

Sadly, I can go on. That isn't a complete list. That's the surface. 

I'm excellent at surviving. I don't know why. I have no idea why I'm still here half the time. Maybe there will be a reason for it someday. I don't know.

As for stealing...

What a fabulous idea! Admit to a crime in writing on a public place. What's the statute of limitations for this situation?

🤔

I'll admit to this:

When I worked at the dollar store, I went from stock person to keyholder in under a month, and then to assistant manager 4 months later. I didn't intend for that to be a real job. It was supposed to be money between classes at college while I moved back home to make lying to me more difficult... I mean, to be with my family who were dropping like flies and lying about it. 😑 Never mind.

Anyway. So I became the only person with a key. Which means I had to be in the store from 6am to Midnight every day. That's 6 hours off- minus 1 for driving. I had 5 hours a day to sleep, shower, do laundry (I was only permitted to own 3 company shirts- required to be worn), and make food.

So you bet your ass I stole a mug and a box of tea and sat there having a cup every morning. And I stole a cup-of-soup every day for lunch. I wasn't allowed to go across the damn street for Mc freaking Donalds or Taco damn Bell. 

Do I feel guilty? DO YOU KNOW HOW LITTLE I GOT PAID? No. I do not. They left me to run 18 hour shifts without a day off for 3 weeks straight. 

And why was I alone with keys? Because they fired two people with years of experience. For what? GETTING ROBBED.

That's right. If you were held at gunpoint, you got fired. One was my best friend at the time. She got me the job. And then got held up. And then fired for it. 

Dollar stores, by the way, get robbed a lot. People also steal from dollar stores all the time. Mostly toothpaste, toothbrushes, and socks. We caught several 20-somethings who stole these things and resold them on the street (for more than a dollar, so how dumb are your customers).

Would I have stolen if I could leave to buy food? No. Could I have used my ten cent employee discount to buy the sodium-laced soup? Sure. But honestly, I felt a one dollar meal was the LEAST they could do for me. Especially because I had been to HQ, where they get a fresh spread of food twice a day every day that people there can help themselves to. My $1 soup is way less than your bagels and fruit bowls. So 🖕 

Teachers

A friend of mine is doing this 31 questions in March blogging writing challenge (https://marquessamatthews.com/2021/02/10/want-to-join-me-for-a-writing-challenge-alexandrafranzen/). I don't know if I'll manage to do the whole month. 

March 9 – Has a teacher ever changed your life? How so?

Yeah. I had a few excellent teachers who come to mind. But Mrs. Schwartz always comes to mind first. She supported my writing.

She also tried to encourage me to improve my handwriting. That didn't take. Sorry. 

But I am still writing. I wish I could find some of my notebooks from back then. They're in a box in a closet somewhere, I hope. I wonder if it would surprise her that I don't write just horror anymore? 

Operating at Full Capacity

A friend of mine is doing this 31 questions in March blogging writing challenge (https://marquessamatthews.com/2021/02/10/want-to-join-me-for-a-writing-challenge-alexandrafranzen/). I don't know if I'll manage to do the whole month. 

March 8 – Do you think you’re currently operating at 100% capacity?

I do not.

I already had a chronic health issue. Then the pandemic came in. So no. I'm at somewhere around 60% on a good day. 

How often have I had a good day this year? I have a spreadsheet for that.

Theme Reveal YA Story and My First Job

My theme is a young adult short story. A double date in the 90's. An established couple sets up their best friends with each other, but it isn't going well.
 

---

A friend of mine is doing this 31 questions in March blogging writing challenge (https://marquessamatthews.com/2021/02/10/want-to-join-me-for-a-writing-challenge-alexandrafranzen/). I don't know if I'll manage to do the whole month.

March 7 – What was your very first job?

I started working as the night receptionist at a chiropractic office when I was sixteen. I had over 600 hours volunteering at the hospital before that. Check out the commercial I made for Nickelodeon about volunteering.

Blink

A friend of mine is doing this 31 questions in March blogging writing challenge (https://marquessamatthews.com/2021/02/10/want-to-join-me-for-a-writing-challenge-alexandrafranzen/). I don't know if I'll manage to do the whole month. 

March 6 – What are you freakishly good at?

I have a useless skill. If we're watching something and I hit pause, the person on the screen is almost always in mid-blink. It's not on purpose. It's not something I'm trying to do. But it keeps happening. 

I'm also pretty good at reading someone's writing and then being able to "copy their voice." Which is how I got into ghosting. 👻 There are exceptions (🇨🇦 Andrew). This skill can be useful, especially in school if someone is willing to pay you to write essays that sound enough like they wrote them to go unnoticed, but are actually good enough for a B. (See, an A would raise suspicion.) It's mostly about noticing what tone they use, which synonyms they prefer, small bits of local dialect, what order they'll describe a new room full of people...  I'm far better at this in writing than I am in actual life. If you believe that different people learn best in different ways, it'll make perfect sense to you. (I learn best from reading. If I have to watch a video, I'll take notes so I can read them.) 

Shout-out to Jayden and Richard. They've probably prescheduled the month. But Hiiii! 

Bad Advice

A friend of mine is doing this 31 questions in March blogging writing challenge (https://marquessamatthews.com/2021/02/10/want-to-join-me-for-a-writing-challenge-alexandrafranzen/). I don't know if I'll manage to do the whole month. 

March 5 – What’s the worst piece of advice you’ve ever been given?

I have a respiratory condition. It started the morning of July 5, 2001. 

Not long after, I was still trying to live my life as normal, and FAILING with flying colors. 😬

I was with a doctor in 2002 and asking what to do when this and this and this and that caused respiratory attacks. (They didn't call them asthma attacks. And, given how incredibly bad they get, I don't either. It's not wheezing. I violently cough. My legs go out from under me. I lose the use of my arms. My senses fail one by one- vision, smell, taste, hearing, then touch. I'm told that, somewhere in there, I turn blue.) 

👨‍⚕️ The doctor said, "Don't do any of that until we figure this out." Meaning the respiratory problem. 

🤨 "Well what am I supposed to do?"

👨‍⚕️ "Just sit as still as possible as long as possible. Here's a note. You're not cleared to return to work until we have this under control."

That's the day I was put on short-term disability. But, because I never got a diagnosis (and "yeah, it's DEFINITELY something" didn't count), I couldn't go on long-term disability. But also couldn't get cleared to return to work. And my job told me that if I went to work elsewhere, I would be sued for the money I was given during my short-term disability leave. And then I lost my insurance because that job no longer covered it and I had no income for COBRA. Then I went bankrupt. 

I later got married and was put on my husband's plan. In July 2017, I saw 👩‍⚕️ Dr. Ribaudo-Kaufman (doctor 16 that is aware of my condition). I gave her my medical history.

"Who is 'we'?"

😶😳😶😮

There is no 'we.' There is no magical group of doctors sitting around figuring out my problem. This isn't House or Grey's Anatomy. No cure or treatment was coming. What's more, doctor 16 said that staying still had been the WORST thing I could have done. That it contributed to my rapid decline. But, then again, there weren't any meds that could have helped, but still, she felt that if more had been done, I wouldn't be as bad off as I am now.

Purpose in Life

A friend of mine is doing this 31 questions in March blogging writing challenge (https://marquessamatthews.com/2021/02/10/want-to-join-me-for-a-writing-challenge-alexandrafranzen/). I don't know if I'll manage to do the whole month. 

March 4 – Are you living your life purpose — or still searching?

I feel like writing is the main purpose in my life. Or, more accurately, I am the only person on this world who cares if my characters exist and deeply desires for them to be remembered (fictionally). If I die, they go with me. Friends and family will be sad, but we keep living even if someone we love passes on. Dies. (Sorry. It's important for me to use that word.) But my characters? They can't currently survive without me. If I don't give them life on the page and share that, they'll stop existing. Neverending Story-- the Nothing will come!!! So there you go. 

Now if only that knowledge gave me the strength and energy to write more often. 🤦‍♀️

Magic

A friend of mine is doing this 31 questions in March blogging writing challenge (https://marquessamatthews.com/2021/02/10/want-to-join-me-for-a-writing-challenge-alexandrafranzen/). I don't know if I'll manage to do the whole month. 

March 3 – Do you believe in magic? When have you felt it?

I immediately want to answer yes.

When have I felt it? I don't know. 

Maybe all the little things that science can't explain? 

Fear

A friend of mine is doing this 31 questions in March blogging writing challenge (https://marquessamatthews.com/2021/02/10/want-to-join-me-for-a-writing-challenge-alexandrafranzen/). I don't know if I'll manage to do the whole month. 

March 2 – Do you have any irrational fears?

Irrational? I don't know. 

Most of my fears are things that legit could kill me. 

"A phobia is an irrational fear of something that's unlikely to cause harm. "

For example, here's what scared the 💩 crap out of me today:

Yes, I know how to take a screenshot. But as I read this, I had a panic attack. I messaged two friends to say I was having a panic attack. I took a picture of my screen to add to the message. And then sat here and cried as my chest felt like a 🚚 truck 🚛 was parked on me. 

I rescheduled my dental appointment for September. 

Sorry, Stephen King, but THIS is the scariest thing I've ever read in my life.

And if that makes me irrational... so be it.

A Sophisticated Answer

A friend of mine is doing this 31 questions in March blogging writing challenge (https://marquessamatthews.com/2021/02/10/want-to-join-me-for-a-writing-challenge-alexandrafranzen/). I don't know if I'll manage to do the whole month. But I'm taking a crack at today.

March 1 – What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?

I've gotten a few over the years. But this one comes with a decent story.

In tenth grade, I had one of the humanity classes. There was an assignment one day. Everyone had an envelope to write their name on, and a stack of slips of paper. You passed the envelope to the next person. On the slip of paper, you wrote one nice word to describe whoever's envelope you had. Then pass along again until everyone in the class had put a slip in each envelope. Then we opened them and read them aloud.

My class partner, Mike, wrote "SOPHISTICATED" on my slip. (Yeah, I recognized the handwriting of my class partner.) No one had ever said that about me before. I really liked it. Maybe because he said it? I don't know. But it made me really happy, it made me feel good about myself to feel like I portrayed sophistication. 

To make this story more interesting, let me share my second favorite, the one that made everyone giggle. 

"COOL LIGHT-UP SHOES."

That was from Dave (RIP). I read it, people laughed and were like "what?" And Dave was all, "That one time in middle school, she had a pair of sneakers that lit up. I saw them in the cafeteria. They were freaking awesome! Do you still have those? You should wear them."

Three points here.

1- Dave was being genuine. He mentioned this to me more than once after this day. Dave was a bit of a clown, but he was also a good guy who stood up for people and was actually really nice. I don't know, maybe in another universe, we would have been friends or more. As it was, we were just two people in a smallish school who happened to have a handful of classes together.

2- Yes, I had a pair of L.A. Gear hightop sneakers. When you pressed the tongue it lit up for a few seconds. This and the Air Jordon pump was the height of sneaker technology in the early 90s and I'm sorry if you aren't cool enough to know that. Not everyone appreciated that my shoes did this. It resulted in some discussion as to if I should be allowed to wear something that could be a distraction. BECAUSE MY CLASSMATES WERE A BUNCH OF CATS WHO HAVE TO CHASE THE RED DOT. 🙄 Whatever. My mom got me a pair of Guess! sneakers that had artsy flowers on them, which I both loved and hated, depending on the day. They were not as supportive as my L.A. Gear ones, and thus my ankles turned more often. Such is life.

3- Dave was a senior. I was in tenth grade. I was the only tenth-grader in this class. In my high school, the only classes that were divided by your grade were English and History. The rest were all mixed based on what classes you were taking and how the schedule fell. Upon realizing I was the only tenth grader, I was called to the guidance office and given the chance to take a study hall instead and repeat the humanity class next year. Umm, no thanks. The guidance counselor worried that I would get bullied, that they'd be mean to me. REALLY? No. I was like the new kid sister. They LOVED me. Several of them stood up for me, even against teachers. They were super nice! Unlike people in my grade, who were mostly annoying at any given time. Plus, half of them were in a bunch of my other classes that year. What's one more class? It was fine. Better than fine. And yeah, I'm still friends with some of them on Facebook. (Which is how I know that Dave died. His sister told me.)